umm....
Yes, I'm still alive.
I've been toying with the following possibilities:
-retiring from personal blogging
- just waiting until the riffraff forget about this blog, and then reappearing, POOF


No conclusions yet, but you'll notice that I've deleted 98% of my archives.
- posted by loosh @ 3:15 PM :: 4 comments

 
the weekends are harder
Instead of going to a fun party last night, I stayed home and cried about Rain. I'm healing nicely overall, but the weekends are harder because I have time to reflect a little bit. And my apartment's hollowness without king fuzzy is more apparent when I have some time to spend here. The times I miss him most: waking up, coming home from work, and naps.
I've been so antisocial lately. Mostly it's about just being exhausted. After a full and harried work week, I've got homework. And what time I have left after that, I like to be by myself. Maybe read, maybe knit, maybe watch a movie. If there's any time left after the work, homework, and solitary requisites, I spend time with friends. It hasn't been much lately. I mostly only do it when there's live music involved.

And how are YOU?

I watched Minority Report on tv last night (while I alternated knitting and quietly crying). It's an interesting movie, but I had forgotten how much the product placements galled me. I'm so offended when product placement is really obvious, and the thought that in the future advertisements and retail stores could scan my eye and know everything about me, tailoring their billboards to me as I walk by, well that just freaks my shit right out.
Urban life already seems out of control and even dystopian for the likes of me. I hate the crowds, the ads, the noise. When I walk down the street at night in the (ironically named) Mission with the trash blowing in the street and the smell and the cars circling and circling for parking spaces, I oftentimes feel like I'm an extra in Blade Runner. And I like the Mission! You can imagine how I feel about the Tenderloin. Or North Beach/Marina where the trash blowing down the streets is replaced by fur coats or tourists. I'd better start saving my pennies now, so that by the time eye-scanned advertising comes about, or much sooner, I can afford to retire to a little cottage in New Mexico.
- posted by loosh @ 11:04 AM :: 2 comments

 
about
* I'm watching my weight, trying to get back my girlish figure, and I'm actually being very good about it. I feel less bloated and less out-of-control, and it's only been a few (official) days.

* Henry and I enjoyed the sunshine today.

* Daryl and I are going to see Colin Hay on Easter, and I cannot wait. Also? KT Tunstall. Yeah baby. Daryl heard she was coming back and he was on it.

* Daryl and I went to see Feist during NoisePop, and she was fucking amazing. I also got to see Girlyman in March, and they were the cat's pajamas. I had such a blast.

* I've been reading a lot of children's books for school, and some of them are amazingly good. Criss Cross, for example, I would recommend to any adult who likes good literature.

* I had a nice birthday despite the month of grieving immediately beforehand.

* I went to a show at The Make Out Room, and I literally sold the shirt off my back to a stranger. (I had a see-through shirt on underneath though, so I had to put my jacket back on.)

* I took my first sailing lesson and it wasn't all that fun, but I imagine it will get better each time.

* I started to knit a pair of socks, but it was hard and not fun, so I ripped the stitches out hastily.

* I've seen some good DVDs lately. Buddy, Aberdeen, Goldfish Memories, Scotland PA (again), & You, Me and Everyone We Know. (actually, that last one was quite interesting, but it made me uncomfortable on several fronts.)

* I still like my job, and I really like most of my co-workers. (wow.)

* The cd mixes I made had both my dad and my brother in tears (in their respective homes). And they're really snotty about music. This is an unparalleled success. I can't wait to make more.

* Why do some people ask "why?" if you say you don't have a significant other? Why is coupledom considered the default? I want to say to these people: "Why are you in a relationship? You're not exactly a shining endorsement!" Ditto for the Procreation Fascists. They ask married, childless people "why don't you have kids?" Fuck that shit. That really bothers me. I can't fathom why deciding not to have kids, even if you're great with kids, is not just as understandable as wanting to procreate. Why on earth would one choice be "better" than the other?

* Hey looky at my new sidebar. You can see my ten most recent Pandora stations. Cool, eh? Check out 'Daring Females.' Pretty bad ass!

* I'm going to the dentist next week. For the first time in many years. Yikes! I didn't have insurance for a while there, and I even tried a free clinic and a low-fee clinic, but I just couldn't seem to get any care. I only have 1 cavity so far, but I bet I'll be diagnosed with number 2 next week. I bet you envy me, don't you.

* I still miss Rain a lot, but I don't cry over him all the time any more. Thank you to those of you who checked in on me now and again. Daryl and Kathy, mostly. It meant a lot to me. It was a very bad month. Thanks to everyone who showed any kind of support. (update: oops, I spoke too soon. I scrolled down and saw those precious photos of Rainy-butt and almost lost it again. he was so damn important to me.)
- posted by loosh @ 8:41 PM :: 6 comments

 
Transitory Nihilists can be a little flat.
friend: You seem busy.
me: Yeah, I guess.
friend: Did you get my email?
me: Yeah, sorry. I had to kill my cat this weekend, so I've been in mourning.
friend. Aw! Did you drown him in the toilet?
me: WHAT? Oh, haha, yeah. Of course. I drowned him in the toilet.
friend:(tilts head sympathetically)
me: Ha ha, no. I mean I had to have him euthanized.
friend: (frowny face)
me: Wait... You were joking, right? You don't drown cats, right?
friend: Yeah we did, but just the kittens.
me: WHAT?
friend: It's the easiest way.
me: WHAT? Wait. Did you live on a farm or something??
friend: No, but my mom kept her bong on the coffee table.
me: Huh. I cannot believe you drowned kittens as a child.
friend: Well, only if they were born deformed or something.
me: Ah, I see. But still. That sounds really hard.
friend: Yes.
me: Well, so I didn't kill my cat. I watched while the vet did.
friend: I'm sorry.
me: Thanks.

The posting of this conversation was meant to be interesting or funny or bizarre, but now it just seems flat. It has third act problems. Forgive me. I've become a Transitory Nihilist*, and nihilists aren't necessarily known for their pithy blog posts.


*nihilism
Etymology: German 'Nihilismus,' from Latin 'nihil,' nothing.
a : a viewpoint that traditional values and beliefs are unfounded and that existence is senseless and useless
b : a doctrine that denies any objective ground of truth and especially of moral truths
- posted by loosh @ 6:33 PM :: 0 comments

 
In the end everything is okay. If it's not okay, it's not the end yet.
Right?


Also, I take back that list of things I said I wouldn't miss about Rain. I would give anything to have him back; I would put up with any number of foul behaviors. I'm having to restrain myself from driving up to the vet's and banging on the door and howling, "Give me back my friend! You shot my friend in the heart with a syringe full of death you evil man, and I want you to give him back now!"
- posted by loosh @ 12:30 PM :: 3 comments

 
things to look forward to?
In twelve hours Rain will be gone from the world. I can't quite fathom it. Maybe I'll tell myself that he's going off to a nice farm, that he'll get to run around outside and climb trees again. And shit in the dirt. He loved relieving himself outside, back in the days when we had a yard.

Here are some things I won't really miss about Rain:

- I get to vacuum again. I haven't vacuumed since he got sick, since he's so scared of the vacuum cleaner. I wanted him to have a peaceful convalescence.

- As great as it was to cuddle with him every night, I'll probably sleep better now that he's not fucking around in bed all the time.

- Plus, all the kneading. I've never been a fan of the kneading.

- Okay, I'll tell it straight. He could be little bastard when he wanted to. If he was pissed at me, usually because he wanted extra food, he would go beat up Henry to get his frustration out.

- He always wanted to be on my lap. It's very sweet, goshdarnit. But I have to work, and I have to do homework. So it was not always do-able to have him in my lap, squeezed between my belly and my laptop.

- He loved plastic grocery bags. I mean he really loved them. He liked lying on them, he liked playing with them. So I left them lying around on the floor, so he could enjoy them any time he wanted. But people, it looks ugly. Even just having one empty plastic bag layin' around on your floor makes you look a little bag-lady.

- He really ran this household. He bossed me and Henry around a lot. We're ready for a new Alpha Cat.

- He's not afraid of fire, so I have to have candles up really high. Otherwise he literally lights himself on fire.

- He's a glutton. Once he couldn't go outside any more and didn't get as much exercise, I had to be very careful about portion control. He got very expensive atkins-esque cat food, and it got measured, and they got fed at 7 pm. If I lost track of time, they let me know. Now that gluttony fattypants is leavin', I think we can go back to a more chill cat food lifestyle.

- During law school, he figured out that books and papers, and especially the little tags that marked up my textbooks, were the most important things to me. (Maybe even more important than (gasp) him!) And all those paper products were fairly easy to destroy, isn't that handy? He was pissy when I was in law school. He wanted more of my attention. (He has always been very affectionate cat. Which is nice until you don't have quite as much time to devote to the fuzz. Then the wrath of god rains down on you as your cat turns into a needy, bitchy stereotype.) During law school he didn't think he got enough of my time, so he took it out on my textbooks. Seriously. He saw how quickly he got my attention when he bit and tore my papers, so he kept on. He even learned to pull my carefully placed tags out of my textbooks, which was the most serious of offenses, so far as I could tell.

- Landlords are prejudiced against two-cat-families. Not that I plan on moving any time soon.

- He was the primary scratcher of the furniture. It's partly my fault. I had a couch for many years that was left behind by the man who worst broke my heart. I was totally fine with Rain scratching the shit out of that thing. Unfortunately, as I suspected, this behavior is not particularly unlearnable. Later furniture suffered.

- Less litter box duty. Half, in fact.

- 88% fewer vomit clean-ups as well.

- Since I won't have my surrogate significant other anymore, and I'll be more lonely and less cuddled....maybe I'll be more reachy-outy towards my many (neglected?) friends and new possible loves?
- posted by loosh @ 10:25 PM :: 0 comments

 
he dies tomorrow.
I have to take Rain to be euthanized tomorrow. My mom's been gracious enough to say she'll drive me there.
Rain's greeted me at the front door joyously every time I've come home for the last 9 years. I'm not sure how it will be a "home" without that.
- posted by loosh @ 4:51 PM :: 2 comments

 
...and the world keeps turning....

- posted by loosh @ 11:35 PM :: 0 comments